I don't want to go

I need some serious re-evaluation.

I still feel the soreness. Its fine when I don't think about it, but inevitably it's going to haunt me for quite a while. I know it doesn't matter, everyone says it doesn't matter, ofcourse it doesn't matter. And that there's always a next time. And I know there's always a next time. I know there are reasons. And I know that this may be the best for me. And I know I could be happier this way. I know it could not be my loss.

I know all of it. I am aware of it. But taking your own medicine really sucks. Because it doesn't really make things better. While I am not proactively down, I am so mentally slumped about it. Perhaps because the expectation was too great. I never should have in the first place. Disappointments...don't go away too soon.

Motivation doesn't really come back. I'm afraid that it's going to be a similar pattern. And I am so scared to find out what went wrong. I know I have to face it; though it does not really calm my fears. I want to know why yet I don't want to know why. Knowing why makes me regret - it will always give myself a reason why it was this way. And that I will always remember.

Even with trying my best to put things retrospectively, it doesn't just get better suddenly. Prospectively, I have got another shot. Sadly, I am no longer hyped - I can hardly focus. All I do when I start the process again is just reminisce and try to answer myself which part of it was not right. And then I get down. It becomes a vicious cycle.

I know I shouldn't give up, not until it's over. But it isn't easy being motivated anymore. I don't think I am that willful. Someone once told me that it's all probably inter-related with the universal laws of positivity. When you are positive, all comes your way cause your mind is set to it and it moulds the environment. Can I then appeal to the universe to reverse the pessimism that is infesting in my mind and manifesting through my actions?

You know what? I just want it all to be over. Whatever it is. I am done with this for the time being. I will go and be done with it. Put a close to the chapter. I don't want to revisit the soreness again.