What's your next step?

Few moments ago I was debating whether to prepare for my class tomorrow (about 13 hours' time) or to post. Nah, classwork can wait. I won't be able to digest 70 pages in about 3 hours tomorrow anyway. I'm going to the fracture clinic (ooohh...sounds like Theme Hospital) tomorrow, just to have a check up on my pinkie. Should be fine, it's recovering well. Just a little enlarged.

I think I want to put my worries to rest before I sleep. A few days ago I had this uncontrollable panic attack. The 24 hours that I went through never felt as crucial as ever. I was ever, ever so torn in what to do.

Many many questions ran through my head. I didn't know how to react. First question was what is the right thing to do? You realise that no one can tell you exactly what is the right thing - because its just based on normative acceptance and moralities which would lead you to the nearest idea. I knew no one could help. I couldn't help.

So, perhaps if I had come to the notion of righteousness, who am I to determine that? What say do I have in people's lives? How do I affirm what is in the best interests of someone? To what extent can one intervene? What gives me the authority to decide? Because at the end of the day, I'm not the key player. I will not be directly impacted.

I just had to get out that day. I think I just needed some time and space to really think it through. And that moment, I knew. The answer doesn't lie with me, but I had to find it somehow. Thankfully I do have an intelligent, non-aligned third party who I believe knows better than I do. At that point in time, I had inclination towards doing what I thought was best - but I was really scared. And later it was affirmed that my approach as the best way to go. For the sanctity of life.

But, one point seems to have been overlooked. I am only 20. And I am scared. So scared.To push me to forcefully pursue what would seem to be the morally right notion still puts me on a shaky ground. While I believe it is the right thing to do, I am not that brave. I really am not. The responsibility is huge. It is so scary, you have no idea. Especially when you have to deal it yourself, and where you really really don't have anywhere to turn to.

........I guess I knew what I had to do, it was a matter of when. Because I don't have the courage. But time cannot wait.

As it unraveled, I started to understand more. And now the right thing to do may not seem so right anymore. But, I think I have more or less exonerated myself from this issue. And pray for the best. Because, primacy was given to your best interest, and it was only, only this consideration that was ever given weight. I deeply apologize if it turns the other way. But sincerely, I just know that better days are ahead.