Outdone

Alas, I feel like I've got my freedom back again. At the very least, I am proud to say that I was determined, persistent, and willful in not resorting back to blogging until exams were over. I wasn't sure when I was to return to the virtual realm, until I was inspired by prisky and nincompoop when reading their blogs. Prisky, for telling me that it's okay to blog emotions, and nincompoop for confidence in whatever she does :) If something happens to me one day, and I never return here, atleast there are some trails left in this world where my memories lie.

If any of you have been wondering...my exams have already finished. Second year is already over. My exams ended with a bang where I sat for my lousiest paper ever. I think it happened again - my tendency not to study whatever I thought was important to study. Yeah, it was just one horrible horrible day.

Moving on, Phase One of my summer has ended already! Right after my exams, Sheue, Lav, Joanne and I went to Greece for our girly getaway ;) It was a great trip and we had tons of fun. Few days after that I went to Paris with my mum, and I fell in love with the place :) I would now say that America (in general) and Paris are the places which I would want to either study for a year or work next time in future. However, bear in mind that human proposes, God disposes - so we'll see what happens :)

I think it was a well deserved break to a certain extent. Just to disconnect myself for a while from current circumstances and free my mind - leave myself to rot in relaxation. And now I know why I needed that long break so much. Now that it's just been few days since I'm left alone, I'm starting to feel the tinge of sadness and pang of regret. I feel it so very much. Thoughts just keep flooding back - especially whenever I go to the tube, or walk along those roads, I remember. When it hits me, I stop walking as if I've walked into an invisible barrier. And I just continue remembering, I cannot forget. Memories prance in front of my face and I am I constantly reminded. It's so painful sometimes that I don't want to go to sleep. The noisy silence makes my head whirl and my heart ache. I exceeded my expectations by surprising myself that I never knew I would react this way. Fresh tears just keep rolling down till today and I don't even know why. I'm shocked at myself, and I know I've outdone my personal best. Someone please tell me that this is a nightmare that can be reversed. I'm ever so willing to accept that I've been pranked with this cruel joke just as long as I could feel the closeness once again.

A lot of thinking was done during my holidays. Many things I realised. I learnt that I don't have the stakes to play - I've always thought that I was moderate, but examining further, I am but a mere speck of dust. Who was I to expect anything. I am not all that one can hope for nor one can dream for. I understand now what the stakes are - everything that I'm not. It will take me years, if not forever, to reach the kind of level you will expect. This is me for you - naive, moronic, emotional, weak.

I am left with a puzzle that I can't figure out nor solve.