Severance

I feel like I can hardly hold myself for the moment as I sit here at my laptop waiting to pour out my usual philosophical rant. Either (a) my body doesn't seem to approve of me drinking that liquor-which-I-can't-pronounce (something like Roia??); or (b) I really am falling sick. No, I just had a few sips of wine, and no, (hopefully not!) I don't have swine flu. Then again, my symptoms don't look encouraging.

The title of the post sprung into my mind instantly as I was thinking about this today. It feels as though I'm writing about severance of co-ownership in the context of land ownership :( Which reminds me that results are out on Monday, which tells me that I've only got a good few days left to enjoy my real summer. The subject of results ends here.

And where shall I begin? What brings me here to my little corner of solitude? I think I just don't want to take it anymore, and I don't want the stress. Time and again I have tried, I think I really have, or maybe I had just given up at the beginning. You can't engineer your feelings; like is like and dislike is dislike...neither can you bluff yourself. I'm clear that I'm not, and I tip my hat off to my ownself for acknowledging what I feel. Yet, a part of me does not want to put up the face that I have to put to others. I strongly do not want to pretend anymore...it's too tiring - too tiring to illustrate something different to the world, and betraying your own instinct. Which is why I chose the title severance. I can't wait to be myself, do the things I like and want to do. I want to be happy. I really can't wait.

There is another issue which I have to confront soon. And I have no idea how to face it. Sometimes I think it's going to be okay..and on some days, it really is. Some days, it feels like it doesn't matter and everything, whatever has happened, seem so far away that it is difficult to find a connection with it again. But even till today...it doesn't seem as easy. It's so frustrating sometimes, you know, like you don't know why these things keep happening? I know there are some things that I'm fine with; but I think deep down ultimately I still cling to it. And I blame no one, for it is just my mere foolishness to cherish it until one day I am really forced to let go. At the time of writing, I admit, if tomorrow was my last day I exist, I never want to let go. There is that little hope in me that you won't too.