While being written in a really really drowsy state...please ignore the non-fluency
Seriously, what's going on? It's just as if some weird phenomenon has taken stride and has left its after effects.
Time and again I see the people closest to me hurt, confused, and worst of all - helpless. Listening to them pouring themselves out is really disheartening. As a friend, it feels really crap cause you know how it is exactly - and that you can't do a thing about it. It sucks because the pain inside never really goes away, and you really feel hollow. And that you start to see no point in doing anything anymore. You know how true it is that nothing helps except time. As much that you would want time to pass by so fast that you don't feel anything anymore, that's not really going to happen. I've read recently that you should slowly enjoy your life cause its not Disneyland where you can (or should!) get a fast-pass to the rides.
It's almost quite freaky how things are turning out. And then I don't know how certain things will be. As a mere observer, it is almost giving me no reason at all to believe in anything. It raises a lot of questions which I have pondering to myself and hoping that someday I will be able to answer them myself. I really don't know.
Thinking about it, everything being so long ago, I really think I'm a noob. Some might snicker, some might laugh, some might say that I am in denial, but this was never the way I saw things to be. Maybe I'm still so young and naive to believe. Maybe I still believe what I really want to believe - maybe I haven't changed.
Recent incidents have been putting my beliefs to test. And I don't know what to think anymore - because I would always want to believe in something happy and lasting. As I was contemplating on how I would view things, I had a chat with a friend. And that made me realise that all is really not lost. There are still the rarities out there which do work. And from that moment I knew, I need to find faith.
As many events would prove me wrong, I really still want to continue believing. As funny as it may sound, I am happy. I want to indulge in all that I feel. While I still can. Before, if ever, it gets taken away.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Monday, January 12, 2009
At wits end?
I have exactly TWO more days. To get better for my interview.
Unfortunately, nothing really seems to be working. Been drinking lots of water, taking medication & cough syrup, drinking herbal teas, and still nothing.
And I'm getting very very worried. What if I never recover in time? And opportunities like this are hard to come by. It's a boat that I'm going to miss should I be stuck in the same condition.
What am I going to do? :(
Unfortunately, nothing really seems to be working. Been drinking lots of water, taking medication & cough syrup, drinking herbal teas, and still nothing.
And I'm getting very very worried. What if I never recover in time? And opportunities like this are hard to come by. It's a boat that I'm going to miss should I be stuck in the same condition.
What am I going to do? :(
Friday, January 09, 2009
Can you understand?
How silly of me. I constantly look forward to checking my mails every now and then, anticipating positive replies.
After a pleasant surprise, perhaps its all gloom and doom from here. Rejections are disheartening. Especially when you disagree with the reasons behind them. Especially when you know how hard you've tried to get it. Especially when you are not even considered to take that further step. Not even that extra step.
And how I wonder what went wrong. I don't know, perhaps my capabilities have found its limits.
And how I don't wish to hear anymore. It feels as if the pegs are taken out one by one, the sensation of the pinch slowly disseminating deep into the skin.
The thing is, its not really that bad. And its not the end of the world. But it does keep me wondering, and somewhere inside me, I will always want to know why I am not good enough.
After a pleasant surprise, perhaps its all gloom and doom from here. Rejections are disheartening. Especially when you disagree with the reasons behind them. Especially when you know how hard you've tried to get it. Especially when you are not even considered to take that further step. Not even that extra step.
And how I wonder what went wrong. I don't know, perhaps my capabilities have found its limits.
And how I don't wish to hear anymore. It feels as if the pegs are taken out one by one, the sensation of the pinch slowly disseminating deep into the skin.
The thing is, its not really that bad. And its not the end of the world. But it does keep me wondering, and somewhere inside me, I will always want to know why I am not good enough.
Thursday, January 08, 2009
One of the Worst Ever
I'm soooo tired.
Instead of starting my 2009 regime upon my return to London, I am battling the perennial blocked nose and the painful throat.
It was all well and fine until the MOMENT I left home. I think its because of the aircond in my room which gave to this effect. (No, definitely not eating cold mangoes in the wee hours of the morning, nor sleeping too late, nor stuffing myself with too much chili when I was back at home)
And now, it's taking a toll on me. Put it slimpy - I cannot sleep. Though I've managed to squeeze in 5 hours of sleep out of the normal-6-hours-which-every-adult-should-have, my body is crying out for more rest. And my eyes can't even stay wide open to write this blog entry.
Being not able to sleep is one of the worst feelings ever. When you just want to close your eyes and reflect over the day. When you want to think. Or when you just want to blank out. No, not last night, I couldn't do it. Everytime before I've even had the chance to lapse into my thoughts, the irritating cough comes. And breathing is hard - more like gasping for air.
I have to get better soon. Before my interview comes. Before school starts. Before my flatmates kick me out because I'm annoying them when I blow my nose and cough at unearthly hours.
I am so exasperated. I've tried so hard to cure myself yesterday...to almost no avail. And now, I sound like a man.
At 6.30am I am wide awake and very hungry. And I just know I'm going to crash at some point during the day.
I think I'll sleep on the couch tonight.
Instead of starting my 2009 regime upon my return to London, I am battling the perennial blocked nose and the painful throat.
It was all well and fine until the MOMENT I left home. I think its because of the aircond in my room which gave to this effect. (No, definitely not eating cold mangoes in the wee hours of the morning, nor sleeping too late, nor stuffing myself with too much chili when I was back at home)
And now, it's taking a toll on me. Put it slimpy - I cannot sleep. Though I've managed to squeeze in 5 hours of sleep out of the normal-6-hours-which-every-adult-should-have, my body is crying out for more rest. And my eyes can't even stay wide open to write this blog entry.
Being not able to sleep is one of the worst feelings ever. When you just want to close your eyes and reflect over the day. When you want to think. Or when you just want to blank out. No, not last night, I couldn't do it. Everytime before I've even had the chance to lapse into my thoughts, the irritating cough comes. And breathing is hard - more like gasping for air.
I have to get better soon. Before my interview comes. Before school starts. Before my flatmates kick me out because I'm annoying them when I blow my nose and cough at unearthly hours.
I am so exasperated. I've tried so hard to cure myself yesterday...to almost no avail. And now, I sound like a man.
At 6.30am I am wide awake and very hungry. And I just know I'm going to crash at some point during the day.
I think I'll sleep on the couch tonight.
Sunday, January 04, 2009
2009!
Happy New Year!:)
I didn't manage to pen down my reflections on 2008, and my hopes for 2009 before the new year had started.
So I will do just that.
All in all, I must say that I've been very satisfied with 2008. Perhaps my most significant achievement was my exam results, which, to be honest, weren't great anyway - but it marked the capabilities of my mental capacity. It really did feel as if the hard work paid off - and that feeling of satisfaction and a sense of achievement was truly immeasurable. Secondary to this would be the internship which I (though not painstakingly) secured just before Christmas! It serves as somewhat a pat on the back for the arduous efforts I put in for applications. While I know I am not the best student/ candidate, it gives me some confidence in believing that I am the one in like a hundred people that they were precisely looking for. The pressure comes later as to how I perform and live up to expectations. For the meantime, I yearn to gloat in solitude for as long I can afford to. For it gives me comfort through the days which I find hard to through ahead.
It was not a smooth journey all the way. Not everything had turned out the way I had planned. I didn't get everything I had wished for. Not everything worked in my favour. Perhaps I'm not thinking as hard as I should (or maybe its because it's already 1.30am...), but I can't seem to recall any detrimental, stumbling blocks, hindering my path.
I have learnt lots in the past year. I've learnt that nothing comes easy, and that sometimes you need to put in 110% to yield a mere 60% - but you've still got to do it. I've learnt that you need to push yourself as the going gets tough - and presevere. Hold your head high up when it seems impossible. I've learnt that somethings can't be wished for - and that could be for very good reasons. I've learnt that you can't assume one's intention - because one's mind is more complicated that you think it is. Most importantly, I've learnt that you can't change who you are. A very important lesson to learn. I've been searching and experiencing all that I could within the past 3 years - perhaps to find a definition of who I am, what I want. And I realised that although my interests may alter with the flow of time, my core values remain untouched. I still hold strong to my believes and ethics. As time passes by, I know that I will learn more and more about myself - a never ending process. But maybe I know and always had known my inner-self. And I am satisfied and content with who I am today. Hence, I must concede, it had been a good year for me.
Prospectively, I don't know what 2009 will bring. My resolutions still stand as similar as the past years have been. That aside, I pray to be more courageous when confronted with situations - that I will stand on my ground and face what is to come. As ever, I hope that this would be a fruitful year and that I will improve from last year - in terms of academic and career opportunities. Some things are not within my control, but I am determined to give it my best shot. And, as with all human beings, I want to be a better person. For myself and the people I treasure the most. Ultimately, I want to be happy. And I want those around me to be happy as well.
With all the challenges and tribulations ahead of me, 2009, I'm ready!!
I didn't manage to pen down my reflections on 2008, and my hopes for 2009 before the new year had started.
So I will do just that.
All in all, I must say that I've been very satisfied with 2008. Perhaps my most significant achievement was my exam results, which, to be honest, weren't great anyway - but it marked the capabilities of my mental capacity. It really did feel as if the hard work paid off - and that feeling of satisfaction and a sense of achievement was truly immeasurable. Secondary to this would be the internship which I (though not painstakingly) secured just before Christmas! It serves as somewhat a pat on the back for the arduous efforts I put in for applications. While I know I am not the best student/ candidate, it gives me some confidence in believing that I am the one in like a hundred people that they were precisely looking for. The pressure comes later as to how I perform and live up to expectations. For the meantime, I yearn to gloat in solitude for as long I can afford to. For it gives me comfort through the days which I find hard to through ahead.
It was not a smooth journey all the way. Not everything had turned out the way I had planned. I didn't get everything I had wished for. Not everything worked in my favour. Perhaps I'm not thinking as hard as I should (or maybe its because it's already 1.30am...), but I can't seem to recall any detrimental, stumbling blocks, hindering my path.
I have learnt lots in the past year. I've learnt that nothing comes easy, and that sometimes you need to put in 110% to yield a mere 60% - but you've still got to do it. I've learnt that you need to push yourself as the going gets tough - and presevere. Hold your head high up when it seems impossible. I've learnt that somethings can't be wished for - and that could be for very good reasons. I've learnt that you can't assume one's intention - because one's mind is more complicated that you think it is. Most importantly, I've learnt that you can't change who you are. A very important lesson to learn. I've been searching and experiencing all that I could within the past 3 years - perhaps to find a definition of who I am, what I want. And I realised that although my interests may alter with the flow of time, my core values remain untouched. I still hold strong to my believes and ethics. As time passes by, I know that I will learn more and more about myself - a never ending process. But maybe I know and always had known my inner-self. And I am satisfied and content with who I am today. Hence, I must concede, it had been a good year for me.
Prospectively, I don't know what 2009 will bring. My resolutions still stand as similar as the past years have been. That aside, I pray to be more courageous when confronted with situations - that I will stand on my ground and face what is to come. As ever, I hope that this would be a fruitful year and that I will improve from last year - in terms of academic and career opportunities. Some things are not within my control, but I am determined to give it my best shot. And, as with all human beings, I want to be a better person. For myself and the people I treasure the most. Ultimately, I want to be happy. And I want those around me to be happy as well.
With all the challenges and tribulations ahead of me, 2009, I'm ready!!
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