...but I don't know what to say. With about 56 minutes to kill till I start work again, I've finally found some time in my slightly hectic schedule (for the past week, that is!) to put things on the table.
Past week had been pretty stressful really: replacement classes, interview & debate. And I don't think the coming week will be better either, even though it's Reading Week. I would love the much-needed break, but sadly speaking I think I'll have to work my butt off and catch up. And lets not think about Easter when I'll tune to the seriously antisocial mode. I'll be wiped off people's social radar.
That aside, I think there are some things I want to say. The debate was excellent - the participants were amazing, truly of a high standard, far more capable than I envisioned. Not one was merely mediocre - each participant had their own flavour and skill put to test. It was just amazing, and each and everyone of them had my respect. For I don't think I could have handled everything that they had been through: preparation for both sides of arguments, handling POIs, being impromptu and fluent.
I am getting quite sick of the spaghetti that I've been eating non-stop. I've even finished one whole packet of spaghetti in ONE week (not alone, but still!). I'm going to lay off it for a while. Similarly, instant noodles too. I need to do my face some justice.
Jay Chou's songs never get old. I believe they'll be evergreen - somewhat like songs by Richard Marx, Bryan Adams, Righteous Brothers. I believe, as with most people, songs remind you a particular period of your life. His songs still do. But I've come to realise, perhaps, after a very very long time, it sometimes is no longer that way. And then, when it plays, it becomes new, waiting for another memory to be created.
I dislike the splint that I am having to wear on my right hand. I have my doubts about it looking cool :( Problem is, even with the splint, I continue hitting & banging my right pinkie everywhere. Looks like I have to keep it on for a moment.
Before the exams (in May?) begin, let me just say this: I'm not that smart. Em, no, I fall far than that. I've got not an idea, a hint, as to where I went wrong. Don't misunderstand, as I really am alright. Because it is true, when you don't have expectations, you don't have much disappointments. When you don't believe, it doesn't seem so harsh. Cruel reality that I have come to embrace...though it still doesn't help to answer where did I go wrong. What did I do. What did I not do. What had happened?
Any glimmer of hope awaits me?....
Monday, February 16, 2009
Monday, February 09, 2009
I don't want to go
I need some serious re-evaluation.
I still feel the soreness. Its fine when I don't think about it, but inevitably it's going to haunt me for quite a while. I know it doesn't matter, everyone says it doesn't matter, ofcourse it doesn't matter. And that there's always a next time. And I know there's always a next time. I know there are reasons. And I know that this may be the best for me. And I know I could be happier this way. I know it could not be my loss.
I know all of it. I am aware of it. But taking your own medicine really sucks. Because it doesn't really make things better. While I am not proactively down, I am so mentally slumped about it. Perhaps because the expectation was too great. I never should have in the first place. Disappointments...don't go away too soon.
Motivation doesn't really come back. I'm afraid that it's going to be a similar pattern. And I am so scared to find out what went wrong. I know I have to face it; though it does not really calm my fears. I want to know why yet I don't want to know why. Knowing why makes me regret - it will always give myself a reason why it was this way. And that I will always remember.
Even with trying my best to put things retrospectively, it doesn't just get better suddenly. Prospectively, I have got another shot. Sadly, I am no longer hyped - I can hardly focus. All I do when I start the process again is just reminisce and try to answer myself which part of it was not right. And then I get down. It becomes a vicious cycle.
I know I shouldn't give up, not until it's over. But it isn't easy being motivated anymore. I don't think I am that willful. Someone once told me that it's all probably inter-related with the universal laws of positivity. When you are positive, all comes your way cause your mind is set to it and it moulds the environment. Can I then appeal to the universe to reverse the pessimism that is infesting in my mind and manifesting through my actions?
You know what? I just want it all to be over. Whatever it is. I am done with this for the time being. I will go and be done with it. Put a close to the chapter. I don't want to revisit the soreness again.
I still feel the soreness. Its fine when I don't think about it, but inevitably it's going to haunt me for quite a while. I know it doesn't matter, everyone says it doesn't matter, ofcourse it doesn't matter. And that there's always a next time. And I know there's always a next time. I know there are reasons. And I know that this may be the best for me. And I know I could be happier this way. I know it could not be my loss.
I know all of it. I am aware of it. But taking your own medicine really sucks. Because it doesn't really make things better. While I am not proactively down, I am so mentally slumped about it. Perhaps because the expectation was too great. I never should have in the first place. Disappointments...don't go away too soon.
Motivation doesn't really come back. I'm afraid that it's going to be a similar pattern. And I am so scared to find out what went wrong. I know I have to face it; though it does not really calm my fears. I want to know why yet I don't want to know why. Knowing why makes me regret - it will always give myself a reason why it was this way. And that I will always remember.
Even with trying my best to put things retrospectively, it doesn't just get better suddenly. Prospectively, I have got another shot. Sadly, I am no longer hyped - I can hardly focus. All I do when I start the process again is just reminisce and try to answer myself which part of it was not right. And then I get down. It becomes a vicious cycle.
I know I shouldn't give up, not until it's over. But it isn't easy being motivated anymore. I don't think I am that willful. Someone once told me that it's all probably inter-related with the universal laws of positivity. When you are positive, all comes your way cause your mind is set to it and it moulds the environment. Can I then appeal to the universe to reverse the pessimism that is infesting in my mind and manifesting through my actions?
You know what? I just want it all to be over. Whatever it is. I am done with this for the time being. I will go and be done with it. Put a close to the chapter. I don't want to revisit the soreness again.
Friday, February 06, 2009
What's your next step?
Few moments ago I was debating whether to prepare for my class tomorrow (about 13 hours' time) or to post. Nah, classwork can wait. I won't be able to digest 70 pages in about 3 hours tomorrow anyway. I'm going to the fracture clinic (ooohh...sounds like Theme Hospital) tomorrow, just to have a check up on my pinkie. Should be fine, it's recovering well. Just a little enlarged.
I think I want to put my worries to rest before I sleep. A few days ago I had this uncontrollable panic attack. The 24 hours that I went through never felt as crucial as ever. I was ever, ever so torn in what to do.
Many many questions ran through my head. I didn't know how to react. First question was what is the right thing to do? You realise that no one can tell you exactly what is the right thing - because its just based on normative acceptance and moralities which would lead you to the nearest idea. I knew no one could help. I couldn't help.
So, perhaps if I had come to the notion of righteousness, who am I to determine that? What say do I have in people's lives? How do I affirm what is in the best interests of someone? To what extent can one intervene? What gives me the authority to decide? Because at the end of the day, I'm not the key player. I will not be directly impacted.
I just had to get out that day. I think I just needed some time and space to really think it through. And that moment, I knew. The answer doesn't lie with me, but I had to find it somehow. Thankfully I do have an intelligent, non-aligned third party who I believe knows better than I do. At that point in time, I had inclination towards doing what I thought was best - but I was really scared. And later it was affirmed that my approach as the best way to go. For the sanctity of life.
But, one point seems to have been overlooked. I am only 20. And I am scared. So scared.To push me to forcefully pursue what would seem to be the morally right notion still puts me on a shaky ground. While I believe it is the right thing to do, I am not that brave. I really am not. The responsibility is huge. It is so scary, you have no idea. Especially when you have to deal it yourself, and where you really really don't have anywhere to turn to.
........I guess I knew what I had to do, it was a matter of when. Because I don't have the courage. But time cannot wait.
As it unraveled, I started to understand more. And now the right thing to do may not seem so right anymore. But, I think I have more or less exonerated myself from this issue. And pray for the best. Because, primacy was given to your best interest, and it was only, only this consideration that was ever given weight. I deeply apologize if it turns the other way. But sincerely, I just know that better days are ahead.
I think I want to put my worries to rest before I sleep. A few days ago I had this uncontrollable panic attack. The 24 hours that I went through never felt as crucial as ever. I was ever, ever so torn in what to do.
Many many questions ran through my head. I didn't know how to react. First question was what is the right thing to do? You realise that no one can tell you exactly what is the right thing - because its just based on normative acceptance and moralities which would lead you to the nearest idea. I knew no one could help. I couldn't help.
So, perhaps if I had come to the notion of righteousness, who am I to determine that? What say do I have in people's lives? How do I affirm what is in the best interests of someone? To what extent can one intervene? What gives me the authority to decide? Because at the end of the day, I'm not the key player. I will not be directly impacted.
I just had to get out that day. I think I just needed some time and space to really think it through. And that moment, I knew. The answer doesn't lie with me, but I had to find it somehow. Thankfully I do have an intelligent, non-aligned third party who I believe knows better than I do. At that point in time, I had inclination towards doing what I thought was best - but I was really scared. And later it was affirmed that my approach as the best way to go. For the sanctity of life.
But, one point seems to have been overlooked. I am only 20. And I am scared. So scared.To push me to forcefully pursue what would seem to be the morally right notion still puts me on a shaky ground. While I believe it is the right thing to do, I am not that brave. I really am not. The responsibility is huge. It is so scary, you have no idea. Especially when you have to deal it yourself, and where you really really don't have anywhere to turn to.
........I guess I knew what I had to do, it was a matter of when. Because I don't have the courage. But time cannot wait.
As it unraveled, I started to understand more. And now the right thing to do may not seem so right anymore. But, I think I have more or less exonerated myself from this issue. And pray for the best. Because, primacy was given to your best interest, and it was only, only this consideration that was ever given weight. I deeply apologize if it turns the other way. But sincerely, I just know that better days are ahead.
Monday, February 02, 2009
I can't live without my right pinkie
Just one night, within the span of 2 hours (3 at max), so many things ran through my head simultaneously.
A few hours ago, I was braving the snowstorm just to make it for volleyball practice which I had not been to for the past weeks. As my body was crying out for more sports, and my pimples show evidential certainty to support this preposition, I vowed to get to the sports centre no matter what. Along the way I got lost which made my spirit withered a little. And then I told myself, when I take the next turning, if I'm still not on the right road, I would turn and head back home. Snowing in London is great - but not when you're hanging outside with insufficient clothing and hair tied up. My ears felt so stiff and numb that I was certain that I could just break it off. Maybe I wasn't meant to be there.
But then the right turning came up and in no time I was at practice. Half an hour late. But its okay, since I got there anyways. And from not playing for approximately 2 months, the training session went pretty well. It was just amazing amazing amazing(!!!) to be able to play again. Wonderful, exhilarating, fantastic.
I have been trying to set more - cause I think that's the thing I should work on, something that I could probably try to be good at. I would need endless hours to train my spiking. And maybe eternity to get my receiving perfect.
So then we were playing, the opposing team spiked, someone received to the back court, and there I was, legs not swift enough to move back in time, doing my best to set. I can't remember exactly how it went, I'm pretty sure it wasn't the best ever. But immediately, I felt this sharp, awkward pain on my right pinkie. It was funnily bent-straight (yay, oxymoron!) and it just felt really stiff. And I thought, ouch, but oh okay, I'm sure its nothing. So then the opposing team served, and when I got read to dig, I realised I couldn't hold my right hand. The pain was not excruciating, but nonetheless, the mere existence (and not movement!) indicated that I should sit out.
My friend scared the daylights out of me when he said that he thinks its broken! Bear in mind that in my whole volleyball life, this is my first time ever getting a finger injury. Ofcourse I was freaked out. Brother was no help either - my eyes nearly popped out when he said that my finger will be like that FOREVER. Negative dispositions like these were playing in my head over and over again.
I didn't really want to go to the hospital initially, but others insisted that I did. While I was persistent that I could handle it myself and that I didn't need anyone to come, here, and only here I admit that it would be great to have someone around. Walking out in the snow to an unknown place alone, not knowing what happened to you nor not knowing what will happen next was, for a first-timer, pretty much terrifying. Not to mention the throbbing pain too :(
Thank goodness Kart came along!:) I couldn't persuade her not to come cause she was too bored at home. However, it really really helped alot to have someone around cause honestly, I was feeling really lousy. We went to the A&E department and saw a nurse who brought me to a doctor. The hospital were very efficient, friendly and comforting. And I felt very much like a kid again. The doctor spoke to me in this soft, gentle voice that made it almost impossible for me to feel nervous. I was given some sort of nitrous oxide to inhale as a painkiller while she straightened out my finger. That HURT more than anything else!!! It was beyond horrible and horrendous.
I don't know if the nitrous oxide helped at all. I think its just something to keep on my mind off my finger, and after inhaling so much of that gas, I felt really really dizzy - like I've had an overdose of alcohol (erm, not that it has happened anyway, it is purely hypothetical). Following that, I did an X-Ray and the doctor found that there's a small break in one of my phalanx. As she was not satisfied with my finger, she tried again and again to sort it out. Then she wasn't satisfied and then she got a nurse to hold me at the back while she used all her might to straighten my finger. It felt like tug-o-war only with my finger. Was a little worried whether my finger might be wholly dislocated or not!
Don't think all those subsequent pulling helped much. My last 2 fingers were then banded together and then I was ready to go home!(and have to come back another day to see the orthopedic, I suspect, just to affirm that things are okay) Which I did.
I realised a few things. That there are some things which are inconvenient for me to do even with my little pinkie affected. Example, I couldn't even open my water bottle :( I can't reach for my back when I bathe. I realised that I use my right hand to wash my face, cause I pour the facial wash on my right palm but now I can't do that. Buttoning becomes harder. Washing is slower. Eating is easier with chopsticks only. Typing is not too difficult, but smsing takes some time. Oh, I press the Enter button the keyboard with my right pinkie. I guess I can't make any pinkie promises for the moment. And when my interview comes this week, I'm wondering if its possible if I could shake with my left hand instead. Any ideas?
But not only those. I realised that those closest to you care the most. Logical, a perfect assumption, though not explicitly seen or felt every time.
I realised that sometimes I don't take myself seriously. And I had someone to imply that to me for me to actually realise it. Its sort of that I don't acknowledge what's going on with myself, or just ignore adverse issues that I'm subconciously facing. I really don't intend to be oblivious towards myself, its just that I don't want to worry others. But now that I realise it, it's ticking in my mind..not that it's going to change anything I suppose.
I realised that good friends are really so dependable and caring. And it feels good to have someone beside you. And I'm definitely more calm, composed and myself when I'm around with my good friends. Am really really grateful.
Many other things I've realised but I don't suppose they could be mentioned without:
(a) being really explicit
(b) sounding really convoluted
(c) seemingly nonsensical
And. I realised that I'm going to get very little sleep tonight cause I'm still up but I don't mind cause I feel calm now. And I realised that because I didn't have time to prepare for one of my classes tomorrow, and probably won't have much time to do so tomorrow morning, my tutor is going to be suspicious if I skip class and said that I broke a finger. Oh wells. I'll just do my best.
What a day, what a night. So many things a little pinkie could teach me :)
A few hours ago, I was braving the snowstorm just to make it for volleyball practice which I had not been to for the past weeks. As my body was crying out for more sports, and my pimples show evidential certainty to support this preposition, I vowed to get to the sports centre no matter what. Along the way I got lost which made my spirit withered a little. And then I told myself, when I take the next turning, if I'm still not on the right road, I would turn and head back home. Snowing in London is great - but not when you're hanging outside with insufficient clothing and hair tied up. My ears felt so stiff and numb that I was certain that I could just break it off. Maybe I wasn't meant to be there.
But then the right turning came up and in no time I was at practice. Half an hour late. But its okay, since I got there anyways. And from not playing for approximately 2 months, the training session went pretty well. It was just amazing amazing amazing(!!!) to be able to play again. Wonderful, exhilarating, fantastic.
I have been trying to set more - cause I think that's the thing I should work on, something that I could probably try to be good at. I would need endless hours to train my spiking. And maybe eternity to get my receiving perfect.
So then we were playing, the opposing team spiked, someone received to the back court, and there I was, legs not swift enough to move back in time, doing my best to set. I can't remember exactly how it went, I'm pretty sure it wasn't the best ever. But immediately, I felt this sharp, awkward pain on my right pinkie. It was funnily bent-straight (yay, oxymoron!) and it just felt really stiff. And I thought, ouch, but oh okay, I'm sure its nothing. So then the opposing team served, and when I got read to dig, I realised I couldn't hold my right hand. The pain was not excruciating, but nonetheless, the mere existence (and not movement!) indicated that I should sit out.
My friend scared the daylights out of me when he said that he thinks its broken! Bear in mind that in my whole volleyball life, this is my first time ever getting a finger injury. Ofcourse I was freaked out. Brother was no help either - my eyes nearly popped out when he said that my finger will be like that FOREVER. Negative dispositions like these were playing in my head over and over again.
I didn't really want to go to the hospital initially, but others insisted that I did. While I was persistent that I could handle it myself and that I didn't need anyone to come, here, and only here I admit that it would be great to have someone around. Walking out in the snow to an unknown place alone, not knowing what happened to you nor not knowing what will happen next was, for a first-timer, pretty much terrifying. Not to mention the throbbing pain too :(
Thank goodness Kart came along!:) I couldn't persuade her not to come cause she was too bored at home. However, it really really helped alot to have someone around cause honestly, I was feeling really lousy. We went to the A&E department and saw a nurse who brought me to a doctor. The hospital were very efficient, friendly and comforting. And I felt very much like a kid again. The doctor spoke to me in this soft, gentle voice that made it almost impossible for me to feel nervous. I was given some sort of nitrous oxide to inhale as a painkiller while she straightened out my finger. That HURT more than anything else!!! It was beyond horrible and horrendous.
I don't know if the nitrous oxide helped at all. I think its just something to keep on my mind off my finger, and after inhaling so much of that gas, I felt really really dizzy - like I've had an overdose of alcohol (erm, not that it has happened anyway, it is purely hypothetical). Following that, I did an X-Ray and the doctor found that there's a small break in one of my phalanx. As she was not satisfied with my finger, she tried again and again to sort it out. Then she wasn't satisfied and then she got a nurse to hold me at the back while she used all her might to straighten my finger. It felt like tug-o-war only with my finger. Was a little worried whether my finger might be wholly dislocated or not!
Don't think all those subsequent pulling helped much. My last 2 fingers were then banded together and then I was ready to go home!(and have to come back another day to see the orthopedic, I suspect, just to affirm that things are okay) Which I did.
I realised a few things. That there are some things which are inconvenient for me to do even with my little pinkie affected. Example, I couldn't even open my water bottle :( I can't reach for my back when I bathe. I realised that I use my right hand to wash my face, cause I pour the facial wash on my right palm but now I can't do that. Buttoning becomes harder. Washing is slower. Eating is easier with chopsticks only. Typing is not too difficult, but smsing takes some time. Oh, I press the Enter button the keyboard with my right pinkie. I guess I can't make any pinkie promises for the moment. And when my interview comes this week, I'm wondering if its possible if I could shake with my left hand instead. Any ideas?
But not only those. I realised that those closest to you care the most. Logical, a perfect assumption, though not explicitly seen or felt every time.
I realised that sometimes I don't take myself seriously. And I had someone to imply that to me for me to actually realise it. Its sort of that I don't acknowledge what's going on with myself, or just ignore adverse issues that I'm subconciously facing. I really don't intend to be oblivious towards myself, its just that I don't want to worry others. But now that I realise it, it's ticking in my mind..not that it's going to change anything I suppose.
I realised that good friends are really so dependable and caring. And it feels good to have someone beside you. And I'm definitely more calm, composed and myself when I'm around with my good friends. Am really really grateful.
Many other things I've realised but I don't suppose they could be mentioned without:
(a) being really explicit
(b) sounding really convoluted
(c) seemingly nonsensical
And. I realised that I'm going to get very little sleep tonight cause I'm still up but I don't mind cause I feel calm now. And I realised that because I didn't have time to prepare for one of my classes tomorrow, and probably won't have much time to do so tomorrow morning, my tutor is going to be suspicious if I skip class and said that I broke a finger. Oh wells. I'll just do my best.
What a day, what a night. So many things a little pinkie could teach me :)
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