Acceptance

And I have about a million things to do right now, amongst all which I chose to hit the "new post" button and start blabbering again. And btw, don't even bother reading this post, or this blog ever, cause later posts are rather nonsensical and likely impenetrable to the conscious mind. I don't know why you are still reading this though (if you are!) cause....its nothing much really. I recommend maybe reading Times Online or go Facebook instead of this. I might just, may just, make this private one day. And that day is likely to be soon. For it doesn't really serve my original purpose anymore and it just became a place where I vent everything in the virtual realm.

So, here I begin, as usual. A friend asked me a question a couple of days ago, and then I thought I knew the answer. And yes, I partly did. Because I've learnt so much from everything that life has ever taught me. That some things aren't everything, and what's most important is really not tangible qualities - that's just something for public viewing, to mould personal perceptions. As you go along, you opinions and the way you see things change with time. I can honestly say to myself, that I really am not bothered with it as I used to be or as some people may be. Because I understand the truism behind it. And that I understand, sometimes there's no explanation. Sometimes the rational explanation is that there isn't one! I really think the best explanation is that there isn't one. Is that not human nature? Can we not accept that we sometimes act upon irrationality and emotions? Is that not unwelcomed? I do accept that. I do accept that sometimes there is no logical or rational basis for everything. And you know what? Because it does feel really nice that way. And is this not a more encouraging train of thought? I think its great in the sense that when you can't explain something, meaning there isn't a unified exclusive observation which evidences your conclusion, then its likely to be more sustainable. Put it in perspective, sometimes the most inexplicable things are just really, the best things.

And then, thinking further (if you can still absorb this), I now think I want something else. Acceptance. For who I am. I always thought that was inherent & assumed without any qualifications. But I guess, sometimes that's not always the case. Sometimes the inner most valuable qualities are so hard to show that only when you know someone well, you are able to tell. I haven't exactly been a great kid/teenager/semi-adult till date. But being human, I learn from experiences and evolve with it to become the person (albeit not perfect) that I am today. I admit and learn from my mistakes. I learn to manage things better. I acknowledge my wrongs and I do my best to rectify them, or if not, use them as guidance for the future. This, I hope, will be accepted, as part of my history and genealogy.

Another question popped up (are you still following me?). And then I was put on the spot. Albeit being wholly sincere, I guess I couldn't have mentioned what I really really wanted to say. I would have looked like a little kid with a goofy grin. English, though being my first language, is not my forte. I am weak in masking intentions behind words. A lot of great qualities are intangible and its only when you do recognize it, you see the beauty of it. Everyone is beautiful inside, its just which ones that shine outstandingly that attracts your attention. Even if you choose not to believe me, or even dismiss my sincerity (please don't, words don't come easily), I do hope that you believe in yourself, and see yourself the way I do, one day.

Slips

It's been almost a month I've lived without blogging.

I've had my many many urges to spam my blog, spam it soooo insanely dense that one would take forever to get through the jungle of mess. But I knew it wouldn't help....I know too well.

No one said it was going to be easy. I anticipated this a long time ago. I just wasn't sure, I thought it would be okay, but I've got to accept that some days are alright and some are not. I've never managed to do it, cause I've never had the courage to do so. I think it's going to be alright in the end, but I sympathize. I so deeply sympathize. I don't have a choice, cause I have no control over it.

I wish that one day that I could perhaps find the courage to disinhibit my self-consciousness. I think I would be pretty amusing, and let the restrains go. I will then know how much I care. It sometimes happen that I can be such a character. With awful slips of the tongue, things roll off so naturally that I seem to disregard surroundings, letting my guard down. Not that I've seen much of the repercussions (I hope not) but I will never know. And I know that if I'm not careful enough in future, I'm going to burst my own bubble. I don't ever, ever think that I've done any more embarassing than actually doing that. I think, that is, by far, the worst, ever, most embarassing moment anyone can ever have. But who knew that since I've said it once, that at that point, at that very very premature point, I've said something that I've meant.

Being in the passing, I don't think anyone remembers. Which is good. After kicking myself in the shin, I promise myself never again. Unless I want to run into the forest and stay there forever. And ever.

But I just wanted to say, no matter what, I understand. Whether its responsibilities, expectations, knowledge, work, feelings, emotions, logistics, methodology, practicability....whatever it is, I understand.